ok, so my meeting was pretty much the polar opposite of what i thought it was going to be. i figured vicky was gonna talk to me about how  irresponsible my actions were and how i should consider another major. so, planning accordingly, i went into it with a fighting kind of attitude. in actuality though, the meeting couldn't have gone better. all she did was say good things. even though i don't believe what she said, theres no way that she would just spout off bullshit if she wanted me to leave. so anyway, i kinda like her alot right now.

break...........lets see, i get to sleep alot earlier now. which is fantastic. i'm sure there are some people out there who think that turning in at 11 or 12 is late. but for me thats amazingly early. that is so much better than 2 or 3. but anyway, i'm working. unfortunately, i wont get a paycheck until after break is over. it should be a big one though. i'm pulling a few 12 1/2 hour shifts. i might just have enough money to pay cory back... wink wink nudge nudge.

break is going ten times better than i had imagined. although the non existent snow is increasingly obnoxious. oh, and i met a hot girl. who smokes. that is amazing, unfortunately she is thrown at me when i'm trying to quit, but maybe a winter fling wont hurt so much. and whats three more weeks of smoking anyway? thats a millisecond of my life. i cant wait to see where this one goes. well, back to work at the beck.............fuck me sideways...

im getting a tattoo! im getting a tattoo! i cant wait! oh! and everyone who is questioning me.....FUCK OFF!

people suck

jury went well

now for the meeting of meetings......3:00......someone start praying for me.

so i read all of my blogs. i dont really know what to say. i think i'm crazy. regardless, i was last year. that is some hardcore shit man. i never thought of myself as self loathing, but i am. yeah. wow. i'm so confused. i feel like i'm floating along in the tides of time and i cant stop myself. i cant find my way. and i'm just constantly confused. its kinda like being blindfolded and told to walk. only there's shit in the way that i cant sense, let alone see. but these obstacles are very large and imposing. i'm almost getting to the point where i cant go on, not like this. i know what i want, and i know how to get it, only i cant get up and run the race. literally, everything i need to succeed is laid out in front of me, but i cant seem to grasp the situation. someone needs to light a fire under my ass. i dont know if thats the safest thing to wish for, but none the less it needs to be done. i am thoroughly convinced that the next two and a half years of my college career are going to be the most colossal obstacles of my time on earth. yeah....

Currently Listening Assassins (1991 Original Off-Broadway Cast) By Stephen Sondheim, Victor Garber, Patrick Cassidy Gun song/The Ballad of Czolgosz see related

so its like radioactive uranium, i suppose. you start off,knowing everything about it. youre not self concious around it or get jealous of it because there is no reason to be. you spend quality time examining it and discover new quirks and characteristics that you never could have guessed it having. at first you dont notice, but slowly and obviously its decaying. particles of it are just shooting off into oblivion. after more time, its blatantly obvious that it doesnt behave the same. it acts differently, especially around you. you ask it why, but it doesnt have an answer. it continues to insist that nothing is wrong and that everything is fine. so you accept it. and continue on with the remnants. things are still good, but not as good as in the beginning. when finally, one day, you look it straight in the eyes and see half of the depth that you saw before. so, you ask it again whats wrong. the reply is something totally rediculous like i had a bad day, or i didnt get much sleep last night. so, not wanting to pry any longer, you continue with the mear shell of what you began with. she stops answering your calls or IMs. stops caring when youre with her. doesnt acknowledge your presence when you pass her on the sidewalk.finally, after much anxiety and stress, you get ahold of her. ask her whats going on, right off the bat. she says " nothing.....well......i dont know." and hangs up. this leaves you confused and troubled. all you think about all day is her. you remember the things she told you. like," i feel so comfortable with you" " i dont feel selfconcious at all when im here in your arms." " over winter break you need to come visit me." " youre amazing!". as you ponder all this, you become very confused and very upset all at the same time. again, you get ahold of her, after way too much effort. and ask her again what is going on. she then replies with " its nothing, really.....i mean.....you wouldnt understand." you dont let her sign off. you ask her honestly and tell her your falling apart because of her. FINALLY, the truth comes out. she says, " you were great. but the attraction was purely physical. i could STAND it for a few days, but now im over you." you say cool,  i understand. BUT YOU DONT! HOW COULD YOU? you actually cared. and to be told like this. through a computer. through emotionless text. for all you know she could have a total attitude even though all you did was care. then the inevitable happens . the infamous, " i still want to be friends." yeah, sure. im friends with people i trust. i make sure to be very careful about that. and ill just let you into the circle because you asked me. even though you blatantly lied to me by saying sentimental shit to my face. of course you say yes we can, because anything else would make you seem like an asshole. but deep inside. youre hurt. that hurt will now help shape the rest of your life. all relationships following this will have to deal with this enhanced trust issue. those words will be ectched in your mind forever. the pain involved in something this short is incredible. thats when you realize it. this, thing, is actually a deadly hump of matter which flings pieces of  itself  through you. slowly destroying you. the feeling you once had, meerly a memory. the pain the only reminder you had that something was even there to begin with. then you die a little inside and move on. giving yourself time to heal. only to meet another radioactive bitch who will rip you apart just like before.

     in every relationship there is a concious moment when you decide whether or not to give yourself away to someone. if you decide no, then the final pain is easily overcome. but if you decide yes, then the pain is multiplied ten fold. when i think about it, it seems like there isnt a question as to which way to go. but i still make the same mistake every time. i say yes. and a little bit of myself is lost forever. im beginning to wonder if i even have anything else left to give. i dont see how people can think that you need to know someone for a long amount of time to love them. all you have to do is say yes to that question. thats all, and from that point on you love them. whether or not they reciprocate that emotion is their choice. but hey, some women are more shallow than others. ive just happened to find the shallow ones. i to find the girl which i can trust and love. why is it so fucking hard?

ok, so my best friend in the whole world cory fucking goddard wants me to make a new blog, so here it goes.

life is strange. we start out as being who are totally dependant upon another person. as we grow, we strive to get away from the love and affection which is thrown at us. as the denpendence fades the a new calling arises. the calling is different for everyone. some find it quickly and easily, others spend their entire lives looking. fortunately, destinys design is such that we will be where we are meant to be, when we are meant to be there. everyone grows different, or so im told. even though i dont believe it. but still, every day makes me realize how true it is. our life experiences allow us to view things in different lights. positive or negative, they affect us as human beings. i personally believe that any experience in my life which causes me to feel something, whether it be a feeling of levity or sorrow, is a positive one. as long as we can feel emotion, i am not dead. i would rather go a thousand years feeling sad and tortured, than a thousand without any kind of emotion.

i also think its interesting how complex the human mind really is. we have safe guards and mechanisms to deal with any situation. when stress becomes unbearable, we turn to our most ancient defenses. laughing, crying, using, shutting down, all are viewed differently. some positive, some negative, but none the less, they are our own. basically what im getting at is that everyone is unique. with all the people in the world, everyone has something different about them. all of this comes back to how we were raised and what we've experienced in our lives. think about it, if someone weren't to have done something as simple as skinned a knee, that person would understand pain a little less. thus causing them to possibly take a risk which they might not have, altering the chain of events which got them where they are today. our present lives are so fragile that we can change our future by doing something, or not doing it. the smallest choice could lead to death, or fame, or fortune. just take a second and think about where you are today. with some thought, you can see how things affected where you went to college, or who your friends are, but thats only the big picture. if you analyze your 8th grade year, 64th day of class, and could actually remember every choice you made, you could literally see how breaking the led of your pencil changed that minute, which changed that hour, day, and week. scientists say that our ability to reason is what seperates us from animals, but if you think about it, we are animals. i mean, they reason too. how does a mountain goat know not to jump off a cliff? it obviously realizes that it would die. we are no more than animals. we just complicate things to the point of torture.

love is another point of interest. why do we make something so complex as hormonal responses, seem so simple as a single emotion? i think its because we simplify that which we cannot understand. i once read that we develope our definition of attractive through the media. i dont agree, i think we are attracted to that which we see in ourselves. of course its all on a subconcious level, but none the less its through our  life experiences and our choices that we are attracted to a person. another thing, why does the majority of these united states think that homosexuality is bad? honestly, who gives a shit. can people really be that selfish that they can get angry because a group of people have a better understanding of what they want? psychologists who say that homosexuals are born that way are rediculous. they make it seem like a disease or disorder, like people have a hormone inbalance that causes them to like the same sex. fuck that. i think that we need to quit over analyzing everything and just strive to do what we love and love those who can find that quickly. why cant people just co-exist without friction?

have you ever heard the expression, to err is human? it makes perfect sense. everything we have ever invented, or made, or created, has some kind of flaw. our machines run off of energy, just like we do. they break and malfuction just like us. every person has something which is wrong or incorrect about them. doesn't that mean they we were made by beings who can make mistakes? there is no perfect god which started this mess we know as humanity, and if there is some higher being, it is probably just like us, but more intelligent or powerful. our galaxy, in theory, could be a science project created by an alien. we have no means of figuring out why we are here, or what our purpose is, so why waste time trying to figure that out? dont get me wrong, if it interests you that much by all means, research. i just dont understand why human nature has to drive us to complicate that which is so simple. carpe diem all the way.

so by word vomitting all over this text box, i can only hope that i inspired a bit of thought. thinking, choosing, and living life are extremely important. so do it....and be happy for christ sake.